Disarray.

I'm being induced on September 10th.

(As long as the amniocentesis on the 9th says Gavin is ready... my OB doesn't foresee a problem.)

I don't feel ready.

I'm prepared... I have clothes, blankets, a bed, a swing...

But I'm not ready.

I've been miserable since the first day I found out I was pregnant.

Not miserable with the idea of another child- but physically drained- from all the headaches,

the non-stop nausea, three picc lines, hospital visits, lack of vitamin D, etc.

So, seeing the end in sight, you'd think I'd be estatic.

Yet, I'm scared.

Three children. Under three.

A very hilarious, strong-willed two year old.

A sweet, yet stubborn one year old.

And a newborn.

Brandon and I cleaned this weekend, but we still have so much more to do.

The hospital bag is semi-packed...

and the normal contractions I've been having are getting stronger.

I'm exhausted, already, and sleep deprived.

I miss my girls.

I keep wondering if I can be a great mom to three kids.

I keep wondering if the post partum depression, that was bad with Samantha and absolutely unbearable with Maggie is going to return... will it be worse?

I wonder if Brandon and I can handle this on a relationship level.

And I'm mad at myself for wondering all of these things, and being scared.

I should be happy- excited that Gavin will be here soon.

But I'm terrified.

Melissa