Broken or Alive?

Ever play "broken or alive?"

For some reason, my brothers and I would always do this with random, well, crap.

Pretzels, Random Food items. Crayons. Pencils.

If it could break, and semi look like it hadn't, the question would be asked...

Broken or Alive?

 

 

It's been a hellish 18 months.

 

Questioning everything in my life.

And being separate from my husband.

Sort of.

 

Broken or Alive?

 

My marriage felt broken.

My life felt broken.

I was broken.

 

Nothing was right.

Life was insane.

Well, life is insane.

 

But still..

Broken or alive?

 

I haven't really been living positively in the last 18 months.

I've questioned my sanity.

I've questioned my marriage.

I've questioned my ability to be a parent.

Shit. I've questioned every day.

 

Stress?

You bet'cha.

Depression?

Duh.

 

And all of this is multiplied by a gazillion because of my pain.

 

I found myself only finding negative things.

A negative Melly, if you will. (Get it?!)

Every fight.
Every bad day of pain.

 

I wasn't looking at what was happening around me that was amazing.

Samantha learning so much at school.

Maggie's speech getting better.

Gavin trying new things, and speaking more.

Brandon & I smiling, together.

 

This past week I realized how happy I was again.

Smiling.

Positive thoughts.

No fighting.

 

Stress?

Well yeah. I have 3 kids, ages 4, 3, & 2.

Stress will always be there with that!

BUT, I was looking at it positively and expressing any frustration better than before.

No more yelling.

And I was finding more to laugh about.

 

My children are amazing.

And I should always realize that.

Even when they are spilling HI-C on the floor.

Or pulling hair. Or screaming. Or anything that isn't total happiness.

 

(Speaking of which, I just had to take a break from this entry to clean up chocolate milk. Oh the joys of children. Ha.)

 

*Sigh.*

 

I'm going to live better.

 

For almost 18 months, I'd look at my left ring finger, and sigh.

Or frown.Or even cry.

When I'd break out in one of my crazy rashes caused by my medication, that finger would have lines where the rings used to be.

 

On Saturday, I looked around and realized, this is my life.

Good or bad.

And I needed to face it with a positive attitude.

I realized again, that I loved Brandon.

And I couldn't say that months ago.

 

I'm not holding feelings back anymore, like I did before our major marriage malfunction.

We are moving forward.

And hopefully it will always be together.

 

Here's hoping...

 

No more broken. Plenty of alive.

 

Melissa