Emotional Rollercoaster.

I'm confused lately. I'm feeling old. Older than my counterparts. Here I am, 25, married, a mom, and pregnant within less than 6 months after my first child was born. This isn't where I imagined my life would be. Married, yes. A mother, not so much. I wonder if I missed out on things... like dating. I think it's only because Brandon and I have become amazing friends with someone, and watch the single life drama unfold before us.

I'm not unhappy with my life... just confused. I always thought I'd have more of a plan in life. And surprise- we were pregnant with Samantha. And then surprise, we are pregnant again. Samantha was easy to accept as a pregnancy... something new, something that we talked about and knew we'd accept whenever it happened. I feel blessed to have such a good natured daughter. It's amazing to see the world through her eyes, and how she learns every day and experiences new things, even for only being six months old. I know I love the unborn child that is growing inside me. I'm just worried that I can't offer the same love that I give Sam. I'm worried that Sam won't get enough attention. So, I guess you could say, the problem is, I worry!

My friend told me that these feelings are normal... that I need to start being the fierce "mama lion" and be there for Samantha and take care of myself. Maybe once all this sickness passes with the pregnancy I can be that fierce mother... and be the best mom for Samantha and for the future baby Jacobs. Right now, I'm so confused. So sick all the time. Begging God to take the nausea away, and allow me to take care of Samantha. I've always been semi emotional my whole life, but it seems lately the tears flow without provocation. My head hurts- tears. I'm throwing up- tears. I feel alone- tears. I'm happy- tears. I'm laughing- yet tears follow. Hormones are making me feel very insane. More than usual or diagnosed. When I think about this unborn baby, the tears flow almost immediately.

I'm feeling alone a lot lately as well. I know I'm a hermit. It's South Dakota... and winter. Not a whole lot happens. I can't go on a walk with Samantha around the neighborhood. Some days it's like being held hostage in my own home... too cold to go out. Even with the internet at my fingertips, and the technology to keep in touch through websites, email, and text messaging... it doesn't necessarily happen. And I'm really starting to give up on trying to make an effort. It's almost as if I'm accepting my blatant hermit state. I don't feel like I can talk to many of the same people who I've always gone to in the past with problems, because it feels like they would never understand. And those that usually give amazing advice, or just let me know they're alive and reading, listening, whatever, haven't in months. I doubt myself as a friend. I wonder what I've done wrong. Then more worrying occurs.

Maybe I'm just losing my mind. Maybe I am afraid of the way my life has gone thus far. I just don't know. Confusion is blowing my mind.

Melissa