A Letter to You.

Dear friends, 

I apologize for not being a good friend lately. I am sorry if I haven't returned your calls, texts, Facebook messages, etc. 

Here's the truth. 

I am tired. Exasperated, really.

I have lost track of who I am. I've lost so many days, memories, and time. I am a shell of the person I once was. I can't find happiness. I feel as if I am no longer a parent to my children. And I feel alone. Which is crazy. Because you all are "out there," sending words of encouragement. But  cno one knows what this is really like. No one knows how terrified I am of the future. No one knows how tired I am of doctors visits, medical tests, needle pokes, the inability to eat, and loss of time. 

I'm 30 years old. The chances of this coming back someway, somewhere, someday, are a reality that I can't get out of my head, no matter how hard I try. I'm always worried there will be more bad news. What next? What more do I have to tolerate? What more do I have to lose? Why hasn't the pain gotten  better like they said it would? Why a, I still symptomatic if the scan showed nothing... What's I'm there, growing, waiting for another day to be discovered? 

I'm envious of my past. Even when I thought things were at their worst, it was nothing like this. 

I'm not strong like you say I am. I cry, a lot. I look in the mirror at my naked body and it makes me ill. The scars. The briuises. I'd rather be fat like I was 6 months ago, then the skeleton I feel I'm turning in to. It's vain, I know to wish my breasts hadn't shrunk, or that my scar wasn't so big. The scar saved my life, but has also caused me so much turmoil. I don't feel pretty. I feel so unattractive to my husband. I don't want him seeing me undressed. I sometimes shutter when he reaches for me, because I'm afraid he will start to see me as I see myself. Ugly. Deformed. Sick. 

It hurts to hold my children. I've lost the strength to pick them up. I've lost any patience I had with little things that all children do. I am jealous of my parents for being able to care for them. I'm jealous that my mother in law, a woman suffering from chronic pain, can care for them, but I can't. 

I'm angry that this happened to me. I've tried being a good person. I've tried treating people with respect, equality, and dignity. It angers and disgusts me that I have tried and have this, and others with less respect keep having good things happen. 

I have lost focus on jewelry making, Odyssey, and you. And it's not fair, or right. It's pathetic. I'm pathetic. 

So here is my most sincere apology. Please bear with me as I try to grasp for time, and better days, and better memories. I swear I'm trying. This is the battle no one prepared me for. 

Love,

Mel