Getting Real.

I started this blog over two years ago when I was pregnant with my first of my now, three children. I started it from the suggestion of a counselor I was seeing at time time to get my depression off my chest and out in the open as a way to express myself, share the bad and the good.

But I mostly only share the good. Cover it up. Try to look perfect.

Let's get real.

I'm the mother to three beautiful children.

Samantha is 2, Maggie is 1, and Gavin is 2 months. They literally are my world.

But my world hasn't been filled with them in three weeks because of a never ending, debilitating headache.

I was in the hospital for 8 days 2 weeks ago. Another 2 days last weekend. The ER 5 days in between these times. And suffering everyday in between. My in laws have been so gracious, and amazing to watch them for us, taking over the parenting so I can try to feel better. The doctors here have given up on me, can't find a reason for the pain, and have referred me else where... else where being Michigan.

Elsewhere, meaning I'm terrified.

Let's back up a little. I have postpartum depression. I've had it after all of my pregnancies, and it gradually worsened after each one as well. After Maggie was born, I literally felt like I was going crazy, and ended up being committed overnight in a mental institution. Turns out folks, you can lie to get yourself out of that situation. Which, I will say, scariest moment of my life. So scary, that my current counselor, whom I adore, has diagnosed me with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

The whole time I was pregnant with Gavin, I was worried I would have horrible PPD. I was worried I would end up in the behavioral health hospital. I was worried about the thoughts I would have. The PPD hit hard, and fast after he was born. It came on quickly, and scared me. That's when I was also diagnosed with being an Overly Sensitive Person. Who knew?! There's an actual medical definition for me always being sensitive? I looked up all the medical jargon on OSP's, and it fits me to a T. My doctors changed some of my medications around, and my PPD started really to dissipate. Things were really looking up for a few weeks. Then the headache hit.

So, I'm terrified. No, it's not cancer. Yes, there is a cyst on my brain, but nothing life threatening. So what is this? Is it depression that is lingering in my body and coming out as this massive headache? I don't want this headache! I want my children back! I want to be Super Mom again. I want to figure out what a "normal" routine is with three kiddos is. I want to know what it's like to sleep through the night and not be blogging at 1:30 am; what it's like to eat a meal and not just a few bites and then feel full; and what it's like to not have a headache again.

I'm getting real again on this blog. My life is not perfect. It's not just fun days in pictures. It's kids crying, diaper rashes, or no kids at all because I'm in too much pain to take care of them.

If you pray, or even just say thoughts for people, please say a prayer or a thought for me. Pray for the pain to go away, for an answer, and for my family to be "reunited" in sorts. I just want to be me again.

Melissa