I'm not sure when is updated last. Was it before Christmas? After? What haven't I shared yet? Did I tell y'all I purchased a home, without seeing the inside? And that we moved in and we love it? Or that I spent a lot of time in the hospital? Maybe? Well, yes, we have moved! Now for the rest. From what I can remember.
I spent almost every day in December in the hospital. Pancreatitis. I only wish it in terrorists, rapists, and child molesters. Awful doesn't even begin to describe the sheer pain it causes.
My pancreatitis was caused by my pancreatic duct being completely closed, due to the whipple surgery. The docs in Sioux Falls attempted twice to fix it, but were not able to. So, last month, my parents made the long drive back to SD and took me to the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota. Fortunately, the surgeon at Mayo was successful in placing a stent into my pancreatic duct. I was supposed to start not having any more pain, but alas, that hasn't happened yet, and I'm starting to be more symptomatic again with pain and nausea and vomiting. Eeeeeeeek. I am scheduled to return to Mayo at the end of the month to have a second stent placed, but I'll admit it... I'm more than terrified that the pancreatitis has returned and that the stent will have to be removed, and that I'd have to have my pancreas removed in its entirety.
Moving on from my angry bitchy whore of a pancreas... (Yeah, I said it... She complains when she's touched, and she let 3 strange men, aka surgeons, penetrate her... So whore fits!)
I saw a new oncologist today. My experience with my previous oncologist left me feeling less than impressed. Let's put it this way... When a doctor looks at you, frustrated, and says "you're too complicated and you look like shit (yes, she actually said shit), you know it is probably a good idea to move on.
We are going to continue to watch and wait. There was another option, of trying a test medication, but regardless, if it were to "show" that a tumor was slowly growing, we would still have to wait for the tumor(s) to show on a scan before doing anything. Since I'm such a worrier as it is, I decided to continue with blood work and scans every 2-3 months. Again, it was difficult to hear that since I'm symptomatic with some things, that she too thinks there could be (she's the first to not say probably) more cancer. The spot on my lung is still showing in scans, and has grown a little, but unfortunately, the lung spot is too small to biopsy. Ugh. I hate knowing there's something there. Neuroendocrine tumors grow very slowly... That's why chemo isn't done unless they have progressed to an extreme point.
So, I had blood work, and am awaiting the results. I promised my oncologist that I wouldn't look on my chart online at the test results until she sends me an email and explains any wackiness that may or may not show, like tumor markers. Needless to say, I've been stalking my email account waiting to see if she's emailed. I'm still not good at the waiting game!
My pancreatitis was caused by my pancreatic duct being completely closed, due to the whipple surgery. The docs in Sioux Falls attempted twice to fix it, but were not able to. So, last month, my parents made the long drive back to SD and took me to the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota. Fortunately, the surgeon at Mayo was successful in placing a stent into my pancreatic duct. I was supposed to start not having any more pain, but alas, that hasn't happened yet, and I'm starting to be more symptomatic again with pain and nausea and vomiting. Eeeeeeeek. I am scheduled to return to Mayo at the end of the month to have a second stent placed, but I'll admit it... I'm more than terrified that the pancreatitis has returned and that the stent will have to be removed, and that I'd have to have my pancreas removed in its entirety.
Moving on from my angry bitchy whore of a pancreas... (Yeah, I said it... She complains when she's touched, and she let 3 strange men, aka surgeons, penetrate her... So whore fits!)
I saw a new oncologist today. My experience with my previous oncologist left me feeling less than impressed. Let's put it this way... When a doctor looks at you, frustrated, and says "you're too complicated and you look like shit (yes, she actually said shit), you know it is probably a good idea to move on.
We are going to continue to watch and wait. There was another option, of trying a test medication, but regardless, if it were to "show" that a tumor was slowly growing, we would still have to wait for the tumor(s) to show on a scan before doing anything. Since I'm such a worrier as it is, I decided to continue with blood work and scans every 2-3 months. Again, it was difficult to hear that since I'm symptomatic with some things, that she too thinks there could be (she's the first to not say probably) more cancer. The spot on my lung is still showing in scans, and has grown a little, but unfortunately, the lung spot is too small to biopsy. Ugh. I hate knowing there's something there. Neuroendocrine tumors grow very slowly... That's why chemo isn't done unless they have progressed to an extreme point.
So, I had blood work, and am awaiting the results. I promised my oncologist that I wouldn't look on my chart online at the test results until she sends me an email and explains any wackiness that may or may not show, like tumor markers. Needless to say, I've been stalking my email account waiting to see if she's emailed. I'm still not good at the waiting game!
So. That's where we are at right now. I'm not "cancer free" like I had hoped to hear, but I'm at a good spot for a little rest from the craziness cancer has caused. I will hopefully be having radiation sooner than later for the lymph nodes that have cancer in them, and then more blood work and scans. Maybe next time I can say "free," and in 5 years, say "cured."
Otherwise, things have still been difficult. My memory loss is insane. And I'm starting to really feel like a moron. My vocabulary, or lack of, has gotten frustrating. It takes A LOT for me to express what I'm thinking and feeling lately. I know what I want to say, but I really have trouble putting everything into the words I want. I'm starting to live up to what South Dakotans already think of me: a blubbering illiterate from the south. My docs keep trying to reassure me that it'll get better, but I want it fixed now. I want to feel like I have a working, semi intelligent brain.
I also want y'all all to know that ... Yes, I am avoiding you. And yes, I'm really sorry that I am!!!! But it truly isn't you, and IS all ME! I am struggling so very much with words, and it is hard to tell people much of anything in a clear way. (This blog is just an example... It has taken me over an hour to compose this... Months ago, it would have flowed easily from my brain to the computer.) I am more than grateful for all the thoughtfulness of y'all, dear friends. But, I'm not ready to feel completely stupid when talking/messaging/emailing/texting/snail mailing anyone. It's MY issue, and I have to get over it, and right now, I'm not.
So, there you have it. Thank you, friends, for being understanding, amazing, and supportive.
I love you ALL! I am so very lucky for y'all!
(But I have to admit, I wish our blossoming friendships, or growing friendships, or continued friendships happened for some other reason, other than my health. Is that selfish? Maybe. Honest? 110%!)
Mel
(But I have to admit, I wish our blossoming friendships, or growing friendships, or continued friendships happened for some other reason, other than my health. Is that selfish? Maybe. Honest? 110%!)
Mel
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