Normal?

Writer's Note:

This is coming from my heart... and therefore, there is some eh-hem, language. Heads up.

***

Well, I am pleased to say that in September,
 I found out that my pancreas is officially in REMISSION! 

(And we're working on my lymph nodes and thyroid.)

I have gone through a range of emotions with everything. 

Because I don't know what the "right" way to feel about all of this. 

I'm ecstatic that cancer can't be found in my pancreas.

I'm hopeful that we'll get my neck cleared up, sooner than later. 

But... I'm still... in a fog, I guess you could say. 

To put it bluntly, my surgeon (the one who did my whipple), FUCKED UP. 

Pancreatitis last December? Surgeon fucked up.

Need for 3 surgeries to place stents in my pancreatic duct? Surgeon fucked up.

Another surgery to remove stents? Surgeon fucked up.

Pain? Lots of horrible pain? Surgeon fucked up. 

And now what? 

Well, no answers to questions that I thought we could get answers to. 

Why am I in so much pain? 

Let's check your colon.

"There's lots of poop"

So, we tackle the poop.

Still pain. 

Then what?

Doctor gives up. Again.

Doctors don't like feeling like they can't solve something.

Are there more tests you can run?

Maybe. Call Mayo.

Mayo is 4 hours a way. I can't just snap my fingers and be there.

I still don't have my license. 

My family practice doctor is a bit of a dick. 

I've called, emailed, faxed, mailed, and brought him the paperwork. 

Nothing.

I'm not on any narcotics.

 (I hate them, much to what the ER tends not to believe.)

I haven't had any blackouts in 9+ months.

There's no reason for him not to sign off on the paperwork. 

Except, that he's a dick. 

Like, a dick when he belittled me the last time I was hospitalized.

Said I wasn't following directions.

Yet, then looked, realized he never gave me direction, and then sort of apologized. 

"Uhhh, (stutter) well ok, I didn't tell you to, blah blah blah. (stutter), so you can stop crying now."

Really?
Because my night before wasn't terrible enough when I crapped everywhere. 

Yep. THAT happened.

Medical stuff really makes you realize that you have to let go of some things,
and hope it's NOT your bowel that is letting go.
Don't be Elsa when it comes to your bowels.

Hold that shit in. Literally. 

I have to rely on everyone else to function daily. 

My parents have spent so much time in South Dakota,
 and put their own lives on hold because of me.
But it's the only way, sometimes, to have my kids with me. 

My brothers are jealous.

They don't really get it. They don't really ask, either.
 But I'm ruining family gatherings, or some other nonsense.

I. HATE. RELYING. ON. OTHERS.

My inlaws keep my daughters during the school week so that they can get to and from school. 

I have Gavin with me as long as I'm having "good" days,
but we never know when those will be.

I just went a week without my kids again. 

A week.

 I was in so much pain,
and then add me feeling like the most horrible mom in the world to it,
 and I was losing my mind.

I thought things would be back to normal by now.

It's depressing that they aren't.

And all of this costs money.

SHIT.

Money.

My debt from medical treatments, surgeries, tests, travel, specialists, etc, 

ADDS UP TO MORE THAN I MADE WORKING FULL TIME
AFTER I GRADUATED FROM COLLEGE.

Imagine that looming over you. 

We still have 3 kids to provide for.

I hate answering the phone. 

It's probably someone asking for a payment of some sort.

I cry. I explain that it is sometimes hard to pay for groceries.

They don't care about my health. 

They don't care about my family. 

They care about their bottom line. 

Assholes.

Our Christmas is on layaway. 

And honestly, my kids don't need anything.

But they've always had nice Christmases. 

And don't want my health to cause anything else to be different in their lives.

They are resilient. 

But I want them to have things back to "normal," 

whatever the hell normal is anymore.

Opening up a bill, answering a phone call from someone wanting money,
 literally brings me to tears, each and every time.
It's terrifying. 

I sell jewelry and wreaths, but some days I totally feel like they are pity purchases.

And a lot of days, I'm too sick to make anything. 

And when I do get surprises from amazing people, like gifts, or money, or gift cards,
I get overwhelmed. People are so amazing. But I don't know how I'll ever pay them back.

My pancreas is in remission. 

And I rejoice in that, every single day.

But my life is still being raped by health and bills.

I want control back.

I haven't been communicating a lot lately, or answering questions about what's going on. 

Truthfully, there aren't a lot of answers right now, and that puts me on edge.

Discussing it more, or dealing with the bills,
sometimes sends me over that edge, where all I do is cry all day.

I appreciate all of you, and want to remind you all of that.

Y'all always remind me that my friends
and Odyssey family are truly amazing.
 

I'm lucky to have all of y'all.

THANK YOU for the cards. 

THANK YOU for the donations.

THANK YOU for the fundraisers.

THANK YOU for the texts.

THANK YOU for the emails.

THANK YOU FOR BEING YOU & REACHING OUT!

But in case you are wondering what is going on...
well here it is, as much as I can emotionally face. 

I love you all. 

Mel