Selfish.

How am I doing?

 

I had surgery on 12/12/12.

So, now part of my left first rib is gone.

I spent 3 days in the hospital, and then I was home.

My mom came up for 10 days to help.

My dad didn't come up... which was really awkwardly sad for me.

When I had my brain surgery, he would come to the hospital and sit with me, and this time, I spent a lot of time alone, and it hurt.

I shouldn't be so selfish. The surgery was scheduled quickly.

And I am thankful that my mom was here to help.

 

So now I'm recovering.

And recovery sucks.

I can't drive.

I can't hold over 20 pounds.

And I have pain medication.

Pain medication= narcotics.

Narcotics= addiction in me

Addiction=withdrawals soon.

 

Recovery means I can't hold my children.
Recovery means I'm exhausted.

Recovery means I can't raise my kids during this time.

I can barely spend 20 minutes playing with them without becoming extremely exhausted.

I'm alone most of the day, especially the last two weeks since B has to work a lot of overtime due to the holidays.

Alone. Very alone.

 

I've had 2 amazing friends check up on me.

But other than that, nothing.

I guess that's okay.

I mean, I should be thankful for that.

But I'm not.

I'm angry.

So very angry.

Again, selfish.

There are a few people that I thought would care more.

And you know, I haven't received one phone call.

I know that we're in a generation of text messaging & facebook-ing.

And I'm selfish.

Because I'm alone, and I want more.

 

I didn't expect flowers in the hospital.

But I thought there would be more.... more? Caring? Concern?

 

I'm selfish.

Because I'm so fucking alone.

 

I'm hanging on by a thread.

A fucking thread that I want to cut half the time.

And  I could. Easily.

 

But I'm still hanging on.

I have my amazing children to think about.

 

I've been silent.

Not a lot of facebook activity.

No responses to wedding questions.

Ignoring my mom's phone calls... sorry, Mom.

 

I want to be better already.

And the arm pain is still fucking here.

And it's a blow to me, because it's another surgery that didn't work.

Pain is still here.

More pain to deal with.

 

I'm so tired of pain.

I'm so tired of being selfish.

I'm so tired of missing out on my kiddo's lives.

I'm so TIRED.

 

Prayers? Thanks.
But lately, I don't believe in those.

So sorry to disappoint you.

If prayers worked, I wouldn't be in so much pain.

If prayers worked I'd be super mom.

 

I know these are selfish thoughts that I need to get out of my head- out of my life.

 

I'm so sorry. I'll work on it.

 

Melissa