Normal.

"Just keep telling yourself you're normal."

That's what my therapist told me yesterday as I had the biggest break down in recent life.

I've been putting up a very positive outlook in regards to my upcoming surgery. Whenever anyone asks me about it, I proceed to say that I'm "estatic" about it, and ready to get it over with.

Ok, in all honesty, I'd love it to be today, and not two weeks from today.

But, "estatic" is turning into terror.

And this is normal, according to my therapist.

Ok, so this must be the only normal thing I have in my life.

I never seem to fit in any circle. People don't get me. And I'm very alone.

I went on a girl's night out last night. While I really enjoy all the ladies, I just don't fit. They all work outside the home, and have stories of work and crazyness. While, some have children, it's not like my life right now. The life in which I'm not really capable of caring for my children because of all the pain issues. So, even though they have kids, I still feel abnormal. I just want to fit in.

I ended up crying at dinner last night about the surgery. Like I did at my therapist's office.

My friends, and my therapist reassured me that everything would be fine.

But it's scary. It's scary getting life insurance. It's scary writing a will. It's scary filling out paperwork for an advance directive.

Yes, the surgery is very "easy" when it comes to brain surgery. Death has a 1% possibility of actually occuring. There's more of a chance that I get hit by a car than die from this surgery. But, I can't stop focusing on it. It's not stopping me from having the surgery, but it's definitely lingering in the back of my mind.

I'm just ready for the surgery to be over, for me to be perfectly fine, and for "normal" to enter my life again.

Melissa