I'm bawling. I'm at a very low place right now. And I know crying isn't going to help... but boy do I need a good cry.
I haven't been able to keep anything down or up in two days straight. I've run bags & bags of fluid at home, and ended up in L&D triage last night, where they did the same (pointless visit). Nothing is helping. My head is pounding. But most of all, my heart is aching because I can't take care of Samantha & Maggie.
Even sitting here, blogging, because I need to get my thoughts out, is hurting me. I'm dizzy. Confused. On the verge of another puking attack. Hooked up to "Buddy" the IV pole, feeling miserable, praying for relief.
Brandon tells me I am taking care of the girls by taking care of myself. But taking care of myself isn't working. My body isn't tolerating any kind of attempt to rid my body of anything, or to put nutrients back in.
I'm feeling bitter towards this pregnancy... towards my unborn child... and now, towards myself for feeling bitterness towards an innocent baby.
Last night, the nurse asked if I experienced these symptoms with every pregnancy. I said that they get worse with each pregnancy. Then she said it... the one thing that drives me absolutely mad... "then why did you get pregnant this time?" (or any statement like this where I feel harassed for being pregnant.)
I know seconds after this baby is born, I'll forget about the awful experience of being pregnant, and focus everything on my new addition and my amazing family... but right now, I feel like I'm under a dark cloud of misery. And September is too far off. (Plus, SD just passed a law where OB's can't induce until the 39th week, unless medically necessary... according to the nurses last night, headaches and hyperemesis don't count under "medically necessary.")
I don't feel like I deserve mother's day... because I haven't been a very attentive mother lately... my MIL has been watching my kids. I know it's to no fault of my own, but this depression is really taking its toll on me.
Melissa
7 years ago
1 comment:
Oh no! I am so so so sorry. How dare that nurse say anything like that to you. Like you picked this for yourself and it is not her place to judge. That is the last thing that you need in the middle of your weariness. I am so sorry. I know some of the guilty feelings you are feeling. I did not want to be pregnant with my last one. Guilt is not from the Lord. Your little ones will not remember this and thank goodness you have help during this time. If you had cancer or another health concern you would have to have help with them. Look at it this way. This is not terminal and you getting a beautiful little baby when it is over. Thinking of "it could be worse..." helps me get through hard times. I am praying for you. I am so sorry my blog friend.
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