Introvert.

I don't have many friends.

It upsets me, sometimes.

But then I realize, that those I have in my life, really matter.

In Sioux Falls, I don't have anyone.

I think this is what gets to me the most.

I trusted someone. And was let down.

I tend to find people in life that really let their opinions known.

You see, I'm very honest. However, I don't say my opinions in a demeaning way.

I care. Maybe too much.

And so when others don't, I immediately rid them from my life.

Alone?

A lot.

Do I enjoy it?

Most of the time.

But sometimes, I long for people to hang out with.

I look forward to these moments with such great anticipation.

And then I feel ridiculous.

I had these moments of great anticipation twice in March.

Odyssey of the Mind.

The crazy "family" reunion that I look forward to.

But my crazy, I don't belong here feelings, occurred.

I was asked why I was ignoring someone.

It wasn't purposely.

But I never feel "right" in large groups.

New people... they could be amazing, but what if I get hurt?

What if I let them in on my life, and I'm judged in a bad way?

I hate saying, "oh, I'm a mom to three kids, 3 and under."

And then hearing gasps... or "woooow!"

I hate having questions about "my husband".

When I'm not sure if that's what he is.

No, we haven't filed anything.

But my God, I haven't said "I love you" in 9 months.

And we argue. A lot.

So yes, he's technically my husband.

But technicalities are sometimes really ridiculous.

And how do I explain this?

So instead, I just answer them.

Nothing is wrong in my life. No. Never.

And what if I let someone in?

What happens if I care too much, and they care too little?

(I feel this with those I do have in my life right now.)

I've always been described by my family as sensitive.

I hate the word.

I'm not sensitive. I'm protective of my feelings.

And when I trust, I always feel like I'm invading their lives with my crazy.

You asked. I didn't want to say.

But then you encouraged me... so I did.

And now I feel like I've said too much.

I question everything.

Did I say too much?

Does this person think I'm crazy?

Why haven't they talked to me?

I don't want to be alone all the time.

I do need some intellectual conversation.

Or even some really dumb conversations. Where laughter ensues.

And yes, I do get jealous.

I get jealous of those who can make a friend quickly, easily.

I get jealous of people who always have places to be, people to see.

(And then don't have time for me.)

As honest as I can be... I'm never honest when it comes to people ignoring me.

I just stop trying. Or keep trying in a really ridiculous way.

And then eventually have a break down.

And feel let down.

And dispose them from my life.

And when I have to see them again, I feel awkward.

Well, more awkward than I typically feel in any social situation.

But, I never let go of those feelings of awkwardness.

Or let down.

And I hold a grudge.

(And usually, I let them back in.

And feel a let down again.)

So, then, solitude matters.

Because I can be alone.

And I can have a good cry.

I wish there was someone I could have that understood this.

That still lived their own life.

But had time for me.

Even if all it included was a text message.

Or a facebook message.

Or a phone call.

Or a voice mail.

Anything.

I have a friend, that looks very extroverted.

But looks can be decieving.

I sent this person a message, telling them how inspiring they were to me.

How they could have friends worldwide.

And be an amazing person to hang out with.

And they responded, with a thank you.

And that they love people, but feel alone.

And I realized, I'm not completely crazy. (Just semi.)

Sometimes, even those with all the friends in the world, can feel alone.

And like it.

Melissa