Hate.

hate

verb
1. to dislike (something) intensely; detest

2. (intr) to be unwilling (to be or do something)

noun

1. intense dislike

2. Informal a person or thing that is hated (esp in the phrase pet hate)

3. (modifier) expressing or arousing feelings of hatred hate mail

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I hate post partum depression.

I detest it with all my being.

I loathe the fact that I suffer from it.

I abhor the feelings I have from it- such as "I'm the only one who feels this way."

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I feel alone with this condition. No one wants to readily admit their emotions of post partum thoughts.

The blogs I read, or the facebook statuses that I see, make it seem like those with babies have perfection in their lives.

So I feel like I'm the only one feeling this way. 

(And here's a true heartfelt thank you to that one that admitted I'm not alone.)

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I'm tired of being called "super mom."

The truth is, I'm far from it. I'm unable to fully care for my children at this time.

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Alone is what I feel, when I'm not feeling distain towards PPD.

My husband doesn't get it.

I can't tell my inlaws just how impacted I am from it.

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I cry.

In what seems like all the time lately.

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My thoughts worry me.

B and I had an emotional talk... argument???... last night. It still has me rattled. 

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My head pounds more.

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I sit alone, because I don't want to burden others with my sadness.

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I want my children to have a great mom.

Not a mom who feels such sadness.
At 2 1/2, Samantha notices.
She patted me on the back the other day and said "it gets better, Mommy."

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I just feel like it's getting worse, no matter what I try.

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More tears. More exhaustion.

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I see my therapist today. Maybe she'll "understand" enough to offer some guidance.

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The more I have sadness, the more I realize how far we are from "home." Home, being Georgia.

It's not that I completely dislike South Dakota. I love our house, I love our neighborhood.

But other than a friend that I talk to occassionally, the only real adult, outside of my family that I converse with is my therapist. I'm giving MOPS a try, but the first meeting almost had me running to the door, demanding a refund.

And winter doesn't make my feelings any brighter. We got 8 inches of snow the other day, and today I don't think it's supposed to get above zero.

We would love to make a change, but certain circumstances will keep us here another couple of years. And then who knows what will happen.

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Is there anybody out there?

Melissa