Some People Should Avoid Children.

We sat in the waiting room. Maggie was happy with the books and toys that were offered, while I dreaded what was coming next... the removal of the stitches on her chin. You see, it was explained to me that Maggie was semi-piranah-ish when she had to get the stitches after falling on the playground and splitting her chin open. (I was on my way home from Ames, and panicked.) So, I didn't know if she'd turn piranah again, or be completely calm.

The waiting room was very uncomfortable. I was one of the only women in the room that didn't have fake boobs, a chin implant, or a face lift. No, I was the outsider in this bizarre world called the plastic surgeon's office. I have my original everything... well, with the exception of all my skull.

Have you seen the movie, "Just Go With It" with Adam Sandler? Well, in the movie, Kevin Nealon plays an overly done plastic surgeon's nightmare... Here, take a look:

Ok, so now that you have that picture in your head, take it, and picture it on a 70 year old woman, with the perkiest knockers you've EVER seen. I wish I was making this up... but no, I can't get this image out of my head 12+ hours later. The "clown" woman kept watching Maggie stack blocks, put foam letters together, and read books with me. At first I thought she was smiling at Maggie's various interactions, but I then realized that her face was paralyzed with a smile. Anyone with a clown complex would have been running towards the door.

After a 45 minute wait in the waiting room, a nurse with giant lips and obvious cheek implants, that couldn't be older than 35, called us back. Without saying anything, she led us into a room, and shut the door. Another 45 minute wait, and she was back. In a rude tone, she said "Margaret, get in the chair." Mommy mode was already on high alert, but went from orange to bright red quickly. I helped Maggie into the chair, and the nurse promply tilted it back. She told Maggie that she would be taking her stitches out, and showed her the tweezers. Maggie immediately became scared, and started FREAKING out. I asked if I could hold Maggie in the chair, and the nurse literally rolled her eyes and said "FINE!"

 I was holding Maggie's arms down, but she kept moving her head... and the little feisty piranah came to be. "OH MY GAAAAWD! Can you NOT hold her down correctly?" ... Mommy wanted to cuss her out, but I quickly said, "Maybe you should get someone to help me. Maggie is VERY strong for just turning 3 years old." The nurse abruptly left the room, leaving the door open. I heard her say to the doctor, "Margaret Jacobs is in the room, and her mooooother can't seem to hold her down or calm her down." The doctor then said "Oh, yes! Margaret iiiiiis a feisty one!" He then entered the room, looked at her chin, and said that he'd get us help. A few minutes later, the big lipped nurse and another nurse, with implants the size of watermelons entered the room. (Seriously, do you have to have something fake to work at a plastic surgeon's office?)

The new nurse in the room was very calming. "Hi Maggie, I'm so-and-so. Oh, is that Nala? I have little boys that love Simba! Can I hold your hand?" Maggie was calming down but glaring at big lips. I then had to put Maggie in a head lock, wrap my legs around her legs, and hold one arm down. I thought to myself, "maybe I should have worn spandex and a mask, because I sure do feel like a wrestler." Maggie began panicking again (shocking!) and tried biting Big Lips' fingers. (In my head, I was laughing hysterically.) "Can't you hold her still? I mean REALLLLLLLY, she IS YOUUUUUR daughter!" Again, I explained, with a more angry tone, that she is a strong willed child. Finally, the stitches were out.

"Thank you for getting her stitches out. I'm sorry that she was so 'feisty' as I heard the doctor say." What's that? Big Lips blushed? That's right. She then said "Yeah, I don't like kids, especially kids like YOURS!" ... I don't know who was bitchier at that point- big lips, or Mama Mel. "Well then MAYBE you should find a NEW profession. I'm sure there's SOMETHING else out there that you can use your plastic surgery to work in." She scoffed at me. Rolled her eyes. Grumbled. And left. As she was leaving, Maggie, as if on cue, said "Her lips weird!"

Priceless.

There are some people who should avoid children at all costs. In this case, there's one person that should avoid children and any more plastic surgery.

I really hope I never have to set foot in that establishment ever again. However, Maggie is quite the dare devil, and I foresee stitches in her future.

Melissa