F.

I don't like to fail. I've never been a failure. I was a straight A student, for the most part. When I got a B, I felt like a failure. The couple of B's and (yes, I admit... with pain) C's I got (I'm NOT good at science), I knew would vanish from my record, and I would still graduate with a 4.0 from high school, because I had enough credits to have them simply "disappear." It's the brainy in me that sees that.

In the past couple of years, I felt like a failure at a lot. And in the past nine months or so... well, a failure at everything important to me.

Marriage. F.

Odyssey of the Mind. F.

Kids. B. (Ok, so not a total failure. My kids love me. And I won't give myself an A. I have really bad days with pain. And there are days where we have to play on the floor on my back or in my bed because I simply can't move. But it's progress. It's not drop in day care. It's Mommy.)

But back to two very important things in my life that I feel like I'm failing at.

In sickness and in health, until DEATH do us part. What if that doesn't happen? Things are so uncertain. On a Sunday drive, I had another break down. And he told me, "Melissa, I'll be by your side until whenever. We are what we are." I told him, I don't like that. It's not fair to him. More tears. I felt like I was using him. He said it didn't matter. He said we could go sign the papers, make it officially a separation, instead of just words. More tears. What if what we "are" is a great big glass of empty? Or what if it's just empty to me? Again... that's just not fair to him.

Odyssey of the Mind is something that means so much to me... and I feel like all the effort I put forth will just go unnoticed. I literally answer emails every week. I work each month to build the program, and I have nothing to show for it. I'm terrified that I'm going to show up at World Finals, and be looked at as a failure, and have people wonder why I'm an association director. I can't really prove that I've done the work. I get angry. I'm ONE person. I don't have any help. All the other associations have boards that can help. They don't have to worry about all the hoops I have to jump through. I see things that I don't agree with, but can't say anything. I want to wave my hands in the air and shout, "hey, wait a minute!!! what about this?! what about me?!" I would LOVE more than ANYTHING to help announce at opening ceremonies. Literally since I went to world finals for the first time as a participant when I was nine, it was a dream of mine. And I know I would be amazing at it. But how do I approach the situation? I'm not that type of person. I know it would help show how I love the program, and how much I want to be involved, but I'm to afraid to approach it.

I'm in a life rut. I feel like I'm drowning half the time. The "life water," if you may, keeps rising to the top, and I keep doggy paddling my way up high enough to keep surviving.

I don't want to fail.

Melissa