Solitude.

So, there's more to my life than my cute children and all their "isms."

But, I don't post it on facebook. I don't let the facebook world see my anguish. See that I'm wallowing in solitude.

I feel like I have no one.

I got in an argument, again, with my husband. We're on shaky grounds. We have been for awhile now. We don't wear our wedding rings. We don't say what we are any more. We are what we are. What "are" is, is just that. "Are." It's a scary place to be. It's a scary thing to admit. Anyway, in our argument, I stated that I wish I could just call someone, and say "please come over, and talk to me, and give me a hug." I don't want a hug from him again. I just want a gal pal. A confidant. A girl friend. Someone within driving distance. Someone I can trust. But I don't have that. And somedays, I don't even really feel like I have that with my long distance friends any longer. And that's a really scary feeling, too. They don't really have any idea what's going on in my life... and it's not like I've reached out to tell them, but I feel like the phone works both ways. Why should I call and say, "hey can you listen?" Can't someone call and say "how are things going?" I'm so exhausted of being the person reaching out. So I've stopped completely being that person. So the brick wall of solitude has grown larger.

So the argument continued. One, because he wants to be the person that can give me that hug. He doesn't understand why I have to have that girlfriend to do it with. And two, because he's given up friends because I always find faults in everyone. And that made me furious because well, it's true. His friends anger me. They never seem any bit of grown up to me. I guess I don't find the "fun" in drinking until you pass out. And their girlfriends just seem like giant bimbos to me. But I never feel like I've told him to stay away from them. I guess in my "wow, they're really immature" rants, he decided to stay away.

The marriage problems, are all me. Three babies in three years will do a lot to a person. I don't know where I am in life. I don't know who I am, or what I want, or how to feel or what to be, or how to act. I live each day with a constant headache. I have finally been diagnosed with neuralgia, and am working with a pain clinic to hopefully get some of the pain issues worked out. And who knows, maybe when some of the pain goes away, some of the confusion will as well.

The solitude is me, as well. I can't blame others for my own problems. I don't make friends easily. I don't trust easily. I am extremely shy. I can't really get out much, because with three kids, there aren't a lot of opportunituies to do so, and even if there were, I must admit, I wouldn't grab those opportunities and find the ways to make the friends. It's not easy for me to just say hi and get to know some one. I am too afraid of rejection. I am too afraid that someone is going to somehow hurt me like people have in the past.

I'm really, really tired of feeling this way. I really, really want a hug. I really, really want a friend.

Melissa