Remember.

I remember the first encounter, the first time we were introduced, the first date, the first kiss... and the moment I realized that this must be what love feels like.

It was eleven, almost 12 years ago. I was 16. going on 17. (Anyone want to break into a Sound of Music song with me?)

I remember when he came walking through the Ice Forum (my first job), with a birthday candle sticking out of his lebrae. I remember thinking "wow, he's probably too good for me."  And having that sentiment backed up by a "friend." He was attractive, and muscular... and still somewhat of a "bad boy" that I thought would drive my mom crazy.

I remember always standing in the eating area of the Ice Forum, looking through the windows to the ice rink, watching him drive the Zamboni. And then I remember when he finally said hi. I thought, "did this really ust happen?" And choked out "ohhhh, hi!" And then that was it. We both were "dating" ( I put that lightly for myself) other people, but would always flirt. I became single, and listened to him complain about his crazed girlfriend.I started dating another guy, and he watched as I felt what heartbreak felt like for the first time. Then it happnened. Heno longer with the crazy girl... and I was asked out on a date.  For some reason, my friend (the one who said he was too good for me), came with us. He took me on an "adventure." A scavengar hunt of sorts, and my friend helped. She finally got dropped off at home, and we ended up going on a walk together. We talked. And talked. And talked some more. Chemistry. The only kind I could understand.

After that, we were pretty much inseparable. My friends were annoyed that I was never around, because I was always with him. 

Our first kiss felt like one of those leg lifting kisses that you see in movies. He then told me that he was going to work in Yellowstone for the summer. I couldn't believe it. His trip out west didn't last long. He came back quickly, and again we were in separable.

I remember, I never felt pretty, but he made me feel beautiful.

I remember making the decision to move to South Dakota for school, and so that he could be closer to his parents and attend school. No one agreed with us. We were crazy. We wouldn't last as a couple. And yet we did.

I went crazy during my first year of college. I was treated like total crap by a roommate, and dropped out. He was there. Supporting me. We ended up moving in together, much to our parents dismay.

We were young. And broke. We never enjoyed being students, or the college life. We just had one another.

Then the time came, like I guess it does in most long term relationships, where he decided to propose.

We were sitting in class, and it happened to be a communications class, and Valentine's Day. We had an assignment to talk about someone important in your life. I talked about my family- and how some searching took me to the understanding of how imporatant they really were. The rest of the class  presented their important people. And I remember looking at him, thinking he was acting really weird. Then it was his presentation. He had told me that he would be talking about his Grandpa... but then he started, and was talking about me. My mouth was probably on the floor, as he walked towards me, got down on one knee, and proposed. I obviously said yes.

Wedding planning, dress shopping, ring shopping... 9 months flew by quickly. And there it was... our wedding day. December 17, 2005. I cried the whole ceremony. A really embarassing, sucking in air, loud cry, that echoed throughout the church. We were husband and wife.

Life moved quickly after that. And yet, I still wondered if this was best. So then I asked if we should start a family. Mayve that would make it all right. I was told by my doctor that it would take awhile to become pregnant. So, if we changed our minds, we would just stop trying. Well, my doctor was wrong. It took a month, and we were pregnant.

A very rough pregnancy, and then my sweet Samantha was born. Post partum depression hit, fast, and I was a mess. And there he was, standing by my side, even though I wanted nothing to do with him. Blaming him for my depression. But wouldn't you know, one night, well... it led to Maggie. I remember how astonished I was when I realized I was pregnant again. Sam was only 3 months old. I hated him. I did not want to go through pregnancy again. Another 9 months, and my sweet Maggie was born. Again, post partum, even worse than the first time.

Life changed then. I wasn't as lovable towards him. So 6 months later, when I found out that I was pregnant again, anger entered my life again. Ha, doctors aren't kidding when they say it only takes one time. Gavin's pregnancy was a roller coaster. I nearly died from a PICC line insertion. My girls were never with me because I was sick and on bed rest. We would argue a lot. And I would shout, "when this baby is born, we are getting a divorce!"  But, Gavin was healthy, and then was born. I had 3 kids, 3 and under. How had things happened like this? How would we survive?

Life wasn't picture perfect, like everyone thought I was portraying on facebook, or on my blog. I was angry a lot. And then my headache from hell hit. And it's been with me ever since. There wouldn't be a trial separation. Instead, Melissa would be sick all the time.

Brain surgery. Time away from the kids. And then finally, confronting what I had been feeling for such a long time... separation.

I remember taking off my wedding rings. I remember not being held at night for the first time. I remember the anger, the resentment, and the doubt we had. I remember the lies I told. I remember watching him cry. And I remember feeling that I just didn't care. I couldn't care anymore.

Another 9 months. Of hell. And no real answer.

I want to have that leg lifting kiss again. I want to remember what it feels like to fall in love.

But it's not going to happen. I have my children to worry about. There isn't time, or money, for adventure. This is life. This is the new norm. Fighting, shouting, and resentment.

Is there ever going to be that fairy tale? No... those aren't real.But, feeling love again, that is a definite dream. According to Samantha, I should believe in my dreams, because Rapunzel told her to.

Melissa